( theme song playing )
Allow me, General von Rauscher.
Thank you, Klink.
Definitely a pleasure, General von Rauscher.
This American colonel, Klink... this, uh...
Hogan, Putzi, Hogan.
Hogan-- how would you describe him?
Describe Hogan?
Well, I would say that he is, um, unique.
Definitely unique.
Klink!
Yes, General?
A prisoner may have a unique commandant,
but a commandant has only prisoners!
Remember that, Klink!
A commandant with unique prisoners
is a commandant we can do without.
Oh, I couldn't agree with you more, sir.
Could not agree with you more.
But, Putzi, Hogan is unique.
( chuckling ) ( chuckling )
Which is why, Marya,
I am making this unique playmate of yours
part of our unique experiment.
Have you ever seen such jealousy ever, Klink?
Tell me.
Well, yes...
and no.
MARYA ( over wire tap ): Putzi, stop it.
You're terrible.
They are nothing more than good friends.
I can tell.
Listen to him.
He can tell.
I would swear that this woman is just...
All right, hold it.
I want to hear about the experiment.
MARYA: Putzi, stop it.
( chuckling )
Good friends?
Disregard appearances.
Von Rauscher...
Von Rauscher.
I've heard that name, Colonel.
He's one of their bright boys
in new-weapons development.
Yeah, but what's he doing here with her?
Schultz is coming.
All right, keep listening and don't miss a word.
SCHULTZ: Colonel Hogan?!
Yes.
Oh, Colonel Hogan, you're wanted immediately
in the office of Commandant Klink
by order of General von Rauscher.
What's it all about, Schultz?
My lips are sealed.
Oh, naturally, uh,
but, uh, you do have an ear to the ground, Schultz.
Well, all I know is
that woman is here again-- that Russian.
Remember, she was also here
when the rocket-fuel depot blew up.
What do they want with me?
My impression is that the woman,
at the time of the big boom-boom,
was madly in love with you.
My impression also is that at the present time,
she is madly in love with General von Rauscher.
Therefore, Colonel Hogan...
Therefore what, Schultz?
Therefore, I would rather be me than you.
Shall we go?
General von Rauscher,
Colonel Hogan.
Sir.
Do not salute me, Hogan.
Kiss me.
Colonel Robert Hogan--
senior prisoner-of-war officer.
The iron control of this man-- the long winter nights
he has spent on his prison cot, dreaming of my embrace.
Fortunately that is now over.
What did you see in him, Marya?
He forced himself on me,
and I adored it.
General von Rauscher...
Quiet!
He will do.
He is adequate.
Adequate?
He is sensational.
Adequate!
Hogan, did you know the war is over?
The war is over?
Who won?
Dismiss this man!
Schultz, dis...missed!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
You do not seem to be surprised
by the news, Hogan.
Not really, but I must say
you put up a game little fight.
Not only is the war over, Hogan, another surprise--
you are the one who will tell the Allies they have lost.
Well, General, although I appreciate your asking...
We are not offering you a choice.
We are giving you an order.
Yes, Hogan, an order!
Your military specialty, Klink,
is interpreter?
Interpreter?
Definitely not.
Because I believe that calls
for a rating of full corporal.
Of course, sir.
That's very fair, too.
So, Hogan,
through the good offices of our mutual friend here...
Thanks a lot.
It was nothing, darling.
You have been chosen
to be the witness of a historic demonstration
of a new weapon developed under my command,
which will convince the Allies all is useless.
After the demonstration, you will fly back
to the United States with the news.
Why do you want a witness?
Don't tell me you're not going to try this thing out
on a live target.
Of course a live target.
But the most difficult,
the most elusive target imaginable.
Once that target vanishes,
you will corroborate that we hit exactly
and precisely what we aimed for.
You will be doing your country and England a great favor.
What about Russia?
We are hopeful that the United States and England
will then join us in our little crusade against the East.
Don't hang by your thumbs.
That is all, Hogan!
Pack your gear.
We leave within the hour.
Terribly sorry to lose you, Hogan.
You are not losing him yet, Klink.
But the General said...
You are coming along
to be in charge of Hogan's security.
And if he escapes...
up against the wall, Klink.
Up against the wall.
The General certainly has a way with words.
Any more questions?
Just one: Why me?
Because of what we once had together.
I'm asking you, General.
Why me?
I will tell you.
Marya has intimated to me
that your role here at Stalag 13
is not entirely, shall we say, passive.
I don't understand, General.
You will.
Her little hint fits in with what we know about this area--
a center for sabotage,
clandestine operations,
commandos, everything!
Surely the General...
You are interpreting again!
"Corporal Klink"--
it has a nice ring to it, no?
"Corporal Klink"--
it has a nice ring to it, yes.
So, Hogan,
by reassigning you, so to speak,
we are killing two birds with one stone.
( chuckles )
Clever.
Diabolically.
Do not thank me, Hogan.
You will make it up to me... in other ways.
Perhaps she's under the influence of drugs.
( all exclaim )
All right, all right, it was just an idea.
All right, look, I'll try to get in touch with you
wherever they take me.
Above all, keep loose.
If they come after you, fold up Stalag 13.
What?!
You've got to be joking, sir.
Fold up Stalag 13?!
That's an order.
Yes, sir. Right, sir.
All right, Colonel.
Roger, Colonel.
If there's anything that can be done
about their so-called superweapon, I'll try to do it.
If not...
You know, sir,
I kind of always thought
that if there was to be an ultimate weapon,
it would've been mine.
You did fine, Carter.
All of you.
( knock on door )
Colonel Hogan.
Yeah, I know, Schultz, time to go.
Although I don't know where it is,
I'm supposed to go with you,
guarding you from escaping.
You do not intend to escape, do you?
We'll see, Schultz.
Because I did not like the way
General von Rauscher said, "Up against the wall."
I'm not quite sure what it means,
but I'm quite sure I don't like it.
Schultz, if you don't mind...
Oh, excuse me.
Of course.
I'll wait outside.
Who won the war?
It's still up for grabs.
Good.
I'm bipartisan myself.
Well, fellas, I guess I've said everything
that has to be said.
If we don't meet again, it's been fun.
Good luck.
Good-bye, sir.
Thanks, Carter.
VON RAUSCHER: Well, you see it, Hogan.
What do you think, huh?
HOGAN: Looks like a standard V2 rocket to me.
Correct, on the outside.
But on the inside
where Dr. Zagoskin is working,
it is vastly different.
HOGAN: I'd like to see that.
Sorry, my dear Hogan.
I told you, Putzi, he's always thinking.
What's inside, a new guidance system?
Years ahead of its time--
infallible, sophisticated.
In one sec, it will home in on any target, Hogan,
any target-- stationary or moving.
You're happy for us, Hogan.
"Us"?
Of course.
Zagoskin is a Russian-- a genius.
You deserve each other.
As a military man,
you will see what this means.
Once in mass production,
we will be able to shoot down at will
any train, plane, ship;
hit any single vital factory;
blast any armored columns.
( chuckles )
Hogan, in your own terms, you have had it.
My warmest congratulations to the General.
I always said when you find a smart Russian...
Oh, Schultz, be quiet.
So, uh, when's the grand demonstration?
Tomorrow at midnight.
Zagoskin!
Zagoskin, come down!
I was about to tell our witness
of the target.
Somewhere in the North Sea, Hogan,
the British battleship Duke of York
is on patrol.
Where, we do not know.
We do not have to know.
The rocket will know.
Yes, Zagoskin?
Huh?
Oh, a battleship-- not a problem, no.
The adjustment has been made.
Sometime after midnight,
the Duke of York
will simply vanish from the surface of the sea.
Beautiful.
With 3,000 men.
A detail.
The theory will be a submarine attack
or a giant mine.
But you, Hogan, will arrive
with the true story.
The United States and England
will quickly sue for peace.
All is clear?
Just one thing.
You're a Russian national?
Huh?
Oh, I suppose so.
Things like that,
they're not important to me.
You're aware if the Nazis can use a thing like this
to knock us out of the war,
their next target is Russia?
Oh, there you are wrong.
I have been assured
it will never be used against my Russia.
Never.
You're not only a traitor,
you're a fool.
VON RAUSCHER: Hogan...
you forget the war is over.
Not yet.
At least not until tomorrow night.
Oh, and you are looking
for some way to alter the course of history
or the course of the rocket?
Not necessarily,
not with Sergeant Schultz and Colonel Klink to guard me.
That's true.
The General knows my record at Stalag 13--
not one escape, not one.
And never even any monkey business?
Monkey business?
Never, General von Rauscher.
Never!
Ah!
Well, Hogan, I have no more worries.
HOCHSTETTER: You better stay away from that rocket!
Did you hear me?
What is going on there?
Back, back, all of you, back!
Who are you?
Major Hochstetter, Herr General,
in charge of security here.
And you're all much too close to this rocket.
My dear Major, there is no danger of it firing.
Firing?
Who's worried about firing?
I'm worried about spying.
Are you aware that I am in charge of this project
and that this is the inventor?
( scoffs )
Until I clear you,
please stop inventing.
Who is that woman?
She is my interpreter, Hochstetter.
Oh?
Yes, Major Hochstetter, and I believe a full corporal.
What is this bungler doing here?
He's responsible for the security of our witness.
I am responsible for security here!
What witness?
Hi, there.
What is this man doing here?
Hochstetter, I am in charge of this project,
and I am operating under direct authority
of the German general staff.
Traitors, all of them.
What is this man doing here?
I am in charge of security!
What is this man doing here?!
He is our witness.
Witness?
You have chosen the most dangerous man
in all Germany as a witness.
The Gestapo is taking over.
I will surround this camp with a ring of steel.
Anyone within a hundred yards of this rocket
will be shot and re-shot.
Major Hochstetter,
it's a pleasure to have you aboard.
( yells in frustration )
Oh, Colonel Hogan,
it seems you have a visitor.
What are you talking about, Schultz?
The rules are no visitors, but for that visitor,
I am convinced I would be worse off
if I did not let her in than if I did.
She's very much like you, Colonel.
Mm-hmm.
I have come to you, Hogan darling.
Yes, well...
You're not dying from sheer desire?
Not the kind you mean, no.
Oh, again you misunderstand me.
I am on your side.
You are?
By telling von Rauscher
about our operation at Stalag 13?
By contriving to get me out of there and sent home?
By being part of a plot to win the war for the Nazis?
Get off my side.
First time we're alone, and you talk politics.
Oh, look...
I admit circumstantial evidence is against me,
but I expected you to have faith, Hogan.
You expect me to have what?
Faith.
My real mission is to get Zagoskin out of here
and back to Russia.
I could have done it alone,
but there's so much more fun together, Hogan, hmm?
That's your mission?
Of course.
You brought your men with you from Stalag 13,
especially my-- mmm-- delicious small one, LeBeau?
No, I didn't bring your delicious small one
or any other kind.
How was I to know?
Think with your heart, Hogan.
What about the rocket?
What do we do about that?
Do anything you want.
Do I know from rockets?
Yeah, it's against my better judgment,
but I guess I'll have to trust you.
Ah... you never could resist me, Hogan.
Yeah, look, they must have a shortwave set here.
Can you get access to it?
I've got access to you, darling.
Mm-hmm, I want you to transmit this message, word for word,
and if luck is with us, my boys will hear it.
( sighs )
I melt when you trust me like this.
Hogan, this is highly irregular.
You would dare to interrupt a Gestapo interrogation?!
The Gestapo?
Why, certainly not.
She's not a corporal, sir.
She's a lieutenant colonel.
She outranks Hochstetter.
While I have always cooperated with the Gestapo most fully--
and my record is quite clear on that--
still, under the circumstances, I feel obliged
that I must report this to Major Hochstetter.
I would not.
You see, I am watching him.
Oh, of course.
That's most thorough.
Then I shall mention it to no one?
No one!
Dismissed!
He's about to crack.
( Zagoskin singing drunkenly in Russian )
At last...
we are almost alone.
What's with von Rauscher?
He will sleep until the rocket launching.
Do not press me for details, darling.
Okay, I won't.
Be as jealous as you want, darling.
Yeah, later.
I've got to meet my boys in the woods.
Zagoskin?
Oh, what a busy evening it has been for me.
He is ready to talk, to cry, to sing.
Is he a Russian?
He might have a bad singing voice,
but we'd better talk to him now.
Hey, Zagoskin...
Zagoskin.
Oh, you... you... you called me a traitor, a fool,
and you were right.
Well, nobody's perfect.
Ilich, Ilichska...
Stop that.
Not now.
Wake up. Wake up!
You hear me?
Are you up?
Hogan is my friend.
He's working with me.
He is on our side.
You hear me?
Mm-hmm.
We must have answers from you.
ZAGOSKIN: Life teaches only one thing:
There are no answers.
Look, make a guess.
What happens tonight when your rocket goes up?
Oh, I was not taken in, no.
There you were wrong.
I knew they would use it against my Russia.
Then why'd you make it?
Or did you?
( slams palm )
Of course I made it!
I had this theory.
I wanted to see if it would work.
It did!
It did.
Oh, it did.
Look, what happens tonight?
Does it wipe out the battleship?
Huh? Oh... battleship.
No, no.
What, then? What?
It will arise majestically... fly from sight,
and exactly 18 minutes later, return and kill everyone here,
including Ilich Igor Zagoskin.
I shall have atoned.
( sobs )
You don't come up with any easy ones, do you?
Never.
All right, Carter, give it back to me.
I want to make sure we're all straight on this.
Yes, sir.
I go 100 yards due south from here.
That puts me near the perimeter to the camp.
At 2200 hours-- 10:00--
I fire a couple of bursts into camp,
and then I set off my firecrackers.
Right.
Boy, I got some beauties here, Colonel.
They're going to sound like rifle shots.
I hope.
This is going to be
one of my greatest diversions.
As soon as you set them off,
come back here and wait for the others.
Yes, sir.
The rest of you will be with me.
After, you return to Stalag 13 the same way you came.
What about you, Colonel?
If things work out, I'll meet you there.
I told you, Colonel, right?
I said she's on our side.
I think she's on our side.
I'm not sure.
Good luck, Carter.
Okay, let's go.
( gunfire continues; bullets ricocheting )
HOGAN ( shouting ): All right, on your feet!
It's a partisan attack.
Join the other troops.
We'll guard the rocket. Now!
( speaking normally ): All right, you guys stand guard.
Come on, Kinch.
( firecrackers pop )
( popping continues )
We got trouble coming, Colonel.
All right, behind the rocket-- come on.
What is happening here?
Where's the other guards?
It's a partisan attack.
The other guards went to fight.
I will have them shot.
Good work.
Danke.
Come with me, Klink.
To the fighting, Major?
Of course to the fighting.
Where, then?
You go ahead.
I meet you there.
I-I... I forgot my helmet.
Klink! Klink!
Dummkopf!
Schultz, guard this rocket with your life.
Jawohl, Herr Major.
With my life?
( firecrackers popping )
You think there's any danger here?
You're as safe as in your mum's arms, Schultzy.
Good.
"Schultzy."
You!
Hi, Schultz.
Fancy meeting you here.
LeBeau!
Look over there, Schultz.
Like old home week.
I see nothing... nothing!
HOCHSTETTER: I do not like this.
Too many things are happening--
an attack that is not an attack,
guards deserting their posts.
And where is Zagoskin?
Sleeping.
We could not rouse him.
Well, if anything goes wrong,
I will find ways of rousing him.
VON RAUSCHER: Quiet!
Countdown.
HOGAN: Exciting, isn't it?
HOCHSTETTER: Quiet!
Eight, seven, six, five, four,
three, two,
one... fire!
( engines roaring )
( explodes )
Bunglers! Traitors!
Someone will pay for this.
Heads will roll.
I don't understand.
Every test was perfect.
Hogan, from the first, I suspected you.
What do you have to say?
Well, back to the old drawing board.
Berlin is calling every minute--
"What happened to the Duke of York?"
Nothing is what happened to the Duke of York!
Bad scene, Major.
Hogan, I will not go down alone.
If my head is to roll, all heads will roll.
Except, Major, I quite clearly had no part
in this whole affair.
Therefore, I...
All heads will roll.
Oh, that's quite democratic, sir.
Poor Putzi-- so handsome and so unlucky.
Traitors! All of you!
I fully intend...
Hogan, why are you so composed?
It's obvious, Major.
You've already figured how to turn this to your advantage.
I have?
He has?
Of course!
The ultimate weapon didn't quite work out,
but the major has a plan
to cripple the entire Russian rocket program.
He has?
Go on, Hogan.
You're pulling my leg.
You're not arranging right now
for Zagoskin to escape to Russia?
Of course you are.
He'll do for them what he's done for you.
( chuckles )
It's worthy of Himmler himself, Major.
Hogan, I...
Major Hochstetter is a genius, Putzi.
He's saved us all.
Ja, I believe I have.
I'm sure you're still going to send me home, aren't you?
Of course not.
Take him away, Klink, back to Stalag 13.
Schultz, take him away.
That's cruel, sir, cruel.
Sensational.
Adequate.